Issue #12 Perfectionism June 26, 2007

Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly. ~ Robert Schuller

GIVE ME SOME AIR

Are you paralyzed by perfectionism, want to do something or be someone, but simply can’t for fear you may not do it well?

Perfectionism can kill creativity. Like fireflies in a well-sealed jar, slowly you suffocate. Drowning in thoughts of how things should be or must be, you eventually decide, “I can’t possibly do it.” You’re defeated before you even begin.

But…what if you give yourself permission to do it badly. Do it horribly. Very few things in life are irreversible. If you mess up the canvas, buy a new one; write the wrong word, press delete; perform below the crazy standard you set for yourself, just do better next time.

No one creates instant perfection (as far as I know). They’re called first drafts, slop throughs, studies and trial runs for a reason. The art of perfecting is one of shaping and improving over time. A critical eye at the outset can squash a creative impulse, but that same critical eye applied later may turn an imperfect idea into a brilliant work of art.

Try poking an airhole in your creative jar. Jump in and do whatever it is you’ve been dying to do. You don’t need any special time, place or fanfare. Just begin.

If that critical voice pipes up, tell it everything’s okay. You’re just going to do something, badly.

RECIPE FOR PERFECTIONISM

Set aside 15 minutes today to do something you’ve been wanting to do…just 15 minutes to write, run, draw, dance, paint, knit, play, sing or rehearse. Just 15 minutes, with no expectations, no deadlines and no criticizing.

I give you an A+ no matter what the results.

Issue #11 Self-Care June 26, 2007

“The only way to keep healthy is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.”    ~Mark Twain

PARENT OF THE YEAR

Looking through the eyes of a mother, or a grandmother or, dear God,  Supernanny, how well are you taking care of yourself?  Do you eat well, sleep well, make your bed and clean behind your ears?

Your level of self-care is really reflective of your level of self-love.  In viewing the choices you make, you begin to see how self-loving you really are.

As adults, we become our own parent. For those who may have had self-indulgent, authoritarian, abusive or neglectful parenting, now is  the time to give yourself the love that you deserve.

Think about the last month.  Based on your self-parenting, would you win “Parent of the Year” from the PTA, or would social services come and take you away?  Did you eat too much or too little, work too much or too little, play too much or too little?  If you’ve treated yourself in a way you would never treat a child, your self-care may need some loving improvement.

When you really need that fastfood, or want to force yourself to stay up late, or skip breakfast or bail on your work-out,  instead of berating yourself for what you should or shouldn’t do, simply ask yourself:

“Is this an act of self-love?”

PS  There are, of course, times when we choose to sacrifice for someone or something-that’s not an excuse to make it a daily habit.

RECIPE FOR SELF-CARE

Set aside time each day to do something kind for yourself.

Be careful not to repeat unhealthy patterns.  You may habitually turn to food, alcohol, television, work, or excessive exercise to self-soothe.  Choose an activity that is truly loving and truly kind.

No one can love you more than you can.

Issue #10 Giving Value June 26, 2007

“It is every man’s obligation to put back into the world at least the equivalent of what he takes out of it.”    ~Albert Einstein

GIVE BIG

I’ve done a lot of wanting in my life.  Wanting things, wanting time, wanting jobs, wanting attention, wanting chocolate.  There was an emptiness that needed to be filled. I wanted that thing that would make me feel satisfied.

I began working as a therapist and discovered that, for me, helping others develop love for themselves and connect with their strength and purpose gave me the satisfaction I was seeking.  In giving, I was filled.

Maybe it’s not that we want things outside of ourselves, but that we want to give something, want to be our best selves, want to know that we have not only dreamed big, but given of ourselves in a big way.

What are you here to give? What value do you bring to this world?  We all have something unique, a special set of gifts, life-circumstances and qualities.  How much of yourself do you share?  Don’t wait for permission, don’t wait for the right time, the right job, the right education, the right financial picture.  Begin today giving of yourself in a big way.

When you close your eyes tonight, know that you gave the world the value it deserves.

RECIPE FOR GIVING YOUR ALL

Complete this sentence 10 times:

If I lived fearlessly and gave all of myself I would…

Choose one item and commit to following thought with it.

The world needs what you have.

Issue #9 Persistence June 26, 2007

“I have not failed…I have successfully found 10,000 ways that will not work.”    ~Thomas Edison

I GIVE UP

You make your phone calls, do your mailings or try to change the habits that are keeping you stuck.  “I’ve tried everything,” you say.  “Nothing works.”

It can feel incredibly frustrating when our efforts appear to have no impact on our lives or on the world around us.  But be very honest, have you really tried everything?

Persistence is the unwavering desire and determination to achieve a goal.  In examining your own life, how often do accomplish what you set out to achieve?

When you combine discipline (the daily habits that move you toward your goal) and resilience (the ability to bounce back in the face of adversity) with a very clear goal; persistence is inevitable.

If you tend to give up too easily or fall short of your goals, examine what element may be missing.  Are you not taking appropriate, disciplined action, is your ego bruised by hearing “no” one too many times, or do you lack a very clear, focused and achievable goal.

Great things rarely happen overnight.  Continue to clarify your vision, take daily steps in that direction and be kind to yourself along the way.

RECIPE FOR PERSISTENCE

Identify a goal, the achievement of which seems to have eluded you.  Now, taking a cue from Mr. Edison, brainstorm a list of everything that could bring you closer to that goal.  Write it all down, no matter how silly or seemingly impossible.  This is the time to be creative.

Choose three items on the list that you have not tried and commit to doing them.

Issue #8 Procrastination June 26, 2007

A year from now you may wish you had started today.     ~Karen Lamb

MAYBE TOMORROW

At one point, I actually read a 5-page article about procrastination in order to avoid doing a task.  I convinced myself it wasn’t procrastination, it was scholarly effort.

I’m sure I’m not alone.  You have a looming deadline or some mundane task; anything in the world seems more important than beginning.  You would rather scrub the toilet with your bare hand rather than sit down and begin.

We procrastinate for a variety of reasons- fear of success, fear of failure, lack of information, feelings of overwhelm.  It may be different for different people and different for each situation.

So what do we do when Procrastination has a firm grip on our souls and the television remote is just inches away?  Do it for 15 minutes.  All sorts of people preach the 15 minute rule.  Whether it’s studying or writing or cleaning or rehearsing, anyone can do anything for 15 minutes.   What you quickly learn is that it’s not the doing it that’s so difficult, it’s the thinking about doing it.  Once again, our thoughts can be our friend or our foe.  When you’re procrastinating, you know which one it is.

And if you’re like me and feel you must understand the reason behind your procrastination, give yourself one.  “Okay, I’m afraid this is going to suck.”  Great.  Now get to work.

15 MINUTE RECIPE

As a teacher for therapists who are preparing for licensure, the biggest complaint I hear from my students is that they have no time to study.  Later on in the day, we discuss the latest Grey’s Anatomy and who we think should win American Idol.  No time, huh?

So my question to you is:  What are you putting off?  What do you know you must/should do, but aren’t?  Now, set a timer, set your watch or use an hourglass, and give yourself 15 minutes.  That’s it.

Today, do that thing you’ve been putting off for 15 minutes.

I’d love to hear how it goes.  Good luck!

Issue #7 Self Doubt June 26, 2007

“The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.”    ~Sylvia Plath


NO DOUBT

You’ve worked your heiny off and no one seems to notice:  you watched people leave the theatre without even a “good job,” spent weeks dieting and exercising and haven’t heard so much as a “have you done something different,” did an amazing cleaning job around your house that Martha Stewart herself would envy, or maybe finally finished a big project you’ve been working on.  Only we know how much these things mean to us, but when we work hard, perform well or improve some part of us, we want to be recognized -  Dammit!

The fact is…You must be your own biggest fan.  When the days are dark and dreary and all you want to say is, “what’s the point” it’s great to have supportive people around, but the real support has to come from you.  It’s easy to take it personally when people don’t respond the way we want them to and to jump to conclusions as to why.  “Maybe I’m not that good, talented, thin or attractive.”

Forget it!

When you rely on external cues for your comfort, security and confidence, you’re setting yourself up for a rollercoaster ride of mindreading and disappointment. The self-doubt will take over, destroying your hard work, sabotaging your efforts and jeopardizing your desire to persevere. We all need people in our lives whose opinions matter.  But what matters most is what you think.  This is your life; these are your dreams.  Clarify your purpose, focus on your goals, keep the self-doubt at bay and learn to praise yourself.  The rest is gravy.

RECIPE FOR STICKERS

I used to love getting a star-shaped sticker on my forehead at the end of ballet class.  Unfortunately, after I hit age 5, the stickers stopped coming.

Even as adults, we often look outside of ourselves for acknowledgement and praise for a job well done.  When we don’t get it, we may think we’ve done something wrong.

What is something you’re proud of having accomplished this past week?  What did you do to acknowledge your accomplishment?  If you find yourself looking to others for praise, praise yourself instead.

Find a way to give yourself your own metaphorical star-shaped sticker smack dab in the middle of your forehead.

Issue #6 Doing What Works June 26, 2007

We are what we repeatedly do.    ~Aristotle

DOING WHAT WORKS

What is working in your life?  Stop for a moment and really think.

What is working with your friends and family, your intimate relationships, your career, your dreams, your finances, your home life?  What are you most proud of?  What brings you pleasure everyday?  Recognize that all of the things that are “working” are a direct result of choices you’ve made and habits you practice.  They are working because you, on some level, are making them work.

Now the obvious question: What isn’t working?

Running down the same list of items, identify areas where you feel stressed, unhappy, frustrated and fearful. Examine the thoughts, feelings and actions that are clearly not working for you.

Knowing what works and what doesn’t, the only question remaining is, which will you choose to do?

RECIPE FOR WHAT WORKS

Solution-Focused Brief Therapy is built upon three tenets:

1.  If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

2.  If it’s working, do more of it.

3.  If it’s not working, do something different.

It seems obvious, right?  And yet an entire psychological theory can be summed up that simply.

Divide a sheet of paper into two columns.  On one side write all of the things that are working in your life, on the other side, the things that aren’t working. Then follow the 1-2-3 recipe from above.

Issue #5 Empowerment June 26, 2007

It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are.    ~e.e. cummings

WHO’S DRIVING?

Sitting on the couch, eating straight out of a Ben and Jerry’s container, you know what you should do.   You should probably not eat your way down to the white cardboard.  You should probably exercise.  You should probably get to that project you know you should be working on. The only problem is, you lack willpower.

“I just can’t help it!”  Wrong.

We all have a multitude of “selves”.  The bully, the victim, the good girl/boy, the pleasure-seeker, the wounded child, the slacker-we could go on.  The real question is, who’s in the driver’s seat?  Bingeing on Ben and Jerry’s, it’s probably the pleasure-seeker, which is fine.  But it’s a choice.

How often do you beat yourself up with “shoulds”, followed by excuses why you shouldn’t or can’t?  Fortunately, there’s one more self.  The “empowered” self.  The empowered artist, woman, man-that person is also there.

Who’s driving your life?  You wouldn’t put a child in the driver’s seat, but how often do you let your frightened “inner child” make decisions for you?

Ask yourself:  What would the empowered me do?

Then do it.

RECIPE FOR EMPOWERMENT

Complete this sentence ten times:

The empowered me would:

It may be difficult to come up with 10 sentences.  Push yourself (that’s what the empowered ME encourages you do to).

Choose one item from the list and do it. TODAY.

Issue #4 Success June 26, 2007

“There is only one success – to be able to spend your life in your own way.” ~Christopher Morley

BEGIN TODAY

How often have you thought, “once I’ve achieved ______ then I’ll be a success?”  As an artist, most of your time is likely spent trying to reach that goal-the right job, the right exposure, the right relationship, the right amount of money.  The pie in the sky, and your proximity to it, determines your level of success.

Right?

We see images of success all around us, in movies, magazines and television.  Society, family and friends all shape our view, so much so, that we may only be considering a single definition of success. But, strip away outside influences for a brief moment.

What is YOUR vision of success?

What will you be doing?  How will you feel?  What qualities will you possess?  How will you know when you’ve achieved “it”?  Most importantly, what can you do to be a success right now?

If success is a destination, only achieved once you book that job or get that meeting, it’s easy to feel like a failure.  Goals and a vision are imperative, but valuing yourself and developing the qualities you attribute to success can begin today.

RECIPE FOR SUCCESS

In his book, Finding Flow, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi explains that feelings of success or failure are associated with the ratio of goals we set to those we achieve.  Therefore, we must learn to set goals for ourselves that are both challenging and realistic.

This takes practice.

Identify a goal you would like to accomplish in the next week or even month. Write all the steps required to achieve this goal, no matter how simple. Prioritize the tasks and begin, today, to proceed through your list.  When you come up against personal resistance, try to “feel the fear and do it anyway.”

Now the challenge: Remember that each completed item is an achievement, a success.  It’s not just getting to the finish line, it’s celebrating your accomplishments all along the way.

June 26, 2007

“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”
~Confucius

CONTROL YOUR CHILDREN

You didn’t get the job, or had a fight with a loved one, or received some feedback that was less than positive. You know you’re not supposed to “take it personally,” but how many of us do?  Effectively dealing with these challenges requires resilience.

How resilient are you?

Do you bounce back rather quickly when faced with criticism and rejection or are you like Alice falling down the rabbit hole into despair, replaying each moment over again?  Consider your thoughts in the moments, days and weeks that follow.  Do you feel powerful or powerless, determined or despondant?

Many of us take on one of two roles: the victim, “Poor me,” or the blamer, “Idiots!  It’s all their fault.”  Criticism hurts; disappointment stinks.  But our thoughts can do even more damage AFTER the event.  Decide what’s in your control and what’s not.  Then, work toward taking responsiblity, improving your situation, and moving forward.

Your thoughts are little children running around your mind, they need boundaries and discipline.  Find the grown-up voice that can keep them in line; they’ll thank you for it.

RECIPE FOR RESILIENCE

In her book, The Monologue Audition, Karen Kohlhaas recommends actors answer five questions following each audition:

1. What worked?
2. Why did it work?
3. What could have worked better?
4. Why could it have worked better?
5. What am I going to do for the next audition?

Ask yourself these questions after ANY challenging situation.  Praise yourself for what you’ve done well, decide what you can improve, commit to that improvement and move on.  When the nagging thoughts reappear, remind yourself that you’ve already answered these questions.